Real Men of Genius

Today we salute you Mr. Major Network Television Station Program Planner –

With no concern for any news other than America’s future hero of our homeland or our cannonballing economy or environment, this man fears not about repetitive reporting and simultaneous show segmenting, for he knows that no matter how educated the viewer, somebody in TV land has their TiVo set on every debate recap, swing-state speech and celebrity endorsement aired from dusk until dawn.

Fear not about missing the latest on Alaska’s finest export since the igloo or ice bar – this daily dictator of political developments will ensure that every station covers the political arena’s newest topic at the top of each and every hour, until your ears turn blue and your nose turns red with the love for either of the two hopefuls parties.

Whereas many American’s need to hear about the Maverick’s robotic like arm gestures, the “One’s” plan to save the world or the intolerable sibling of our candid candidate, Mr. Program Planner knows that others need to know not once, not twice, but three, four or five times in order to understand the spectrum of our societies election cycle, be it Barack’s blue jeans to Palin’s $150k blouses.

So grab a super Grande cup of your favorite Jo, add an extra shot of espresso and get to work Barer of the control room buttons, it’s time for an election.

TV: "Welcome" to Monday night television

Birds chirp, cows moo, cars honk and girls... well girls gossip. So, what better to talk about than the show of all girl shows, Gossip Girls. I am proud to say that I watched my first episode of the series that actually takes the cell phones out of a girl's hands, ceases the talk about Zac Efron and draws them to a cozy spot - probably in pajamas with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food or a bowl of movie theatre butter popcorn - on their favorite Monday night couch**

**a location used only on Monday nights, typically with a group of similar-aged friends, coworkers, etc.

So what makes my experience worth writing about? Well, aside my conformity in order to avoid the social stigma of being a 'non-Gossip' watcher, I find myself sitting in a hotel room in Orlando, FL with my two coworkers, whose wide eyes glare at the TV with perky ears, upright posture and melting hearts for the everso dramatic happenings of Joe Humphry, Serena van der Woodsen and Nate Archibold (thank you to Google for the names). Never before have I heard more "o snaps", "OMG", "no she didn't" or "backstabbing wh*re".

I've got to be honest, the thrill that radiates from my fellow Monday night 'watchers' is contagious, possibly infectious, and I have to say it... but I may be... a... Gossip Girl fan (?)

Note: Idea for a new show: Gossip Boy

Day's advice: Hug it out

Yes, taken from the quote catalog of the great Michael Scott (Steve Carell, The Office), "Hug it out, Bitch." Whereas once these words were a mere line to comfort a girl - any girl - during an advice-giving conversation regarding her and a once-best-friend; the saying has hit home and has gently rest upon the compassionate beating walls of my ever so sensitive heart.

Well it's a long story to be honest, so to keep with common theme from a previous post, I came up with an equation to explain the situation:

1 over-stressed manager + 1 overly optimistic AC + 2 months on a mini school bus together = a laundry list of conflicting view points and climaxing anger

So you're asking, what's the bottom line? What exactly is it, Steve, that you are trying to tell us? Why are you explaining something that I could have learned via one simple and hilarious episode of The Office? Well - friends - because sometimes you just need to let bygones be bygones, and so on and so on.

Tuck your Colbert sized egos in your pocket, spill your tears (for you emotional folks) - then look each other in the eye, explain your dislikes, accept their dislikes, and then... HUG IT OUT!

No need to comment...

Life's Equation

I know the following will look confusing to most - but similar to your high school geometry, calculus, AP calculus, sex-ed class, etc., the equation below will come in handy (maybe) once in your life. Granted, if you are planning a mobile marketing tour, then you can mail all 'Thank You' notes to my home address...

Are you curious as to how your mood will change as the days pass by? Are you beginning to plan for your second shipment of anxiety medicine, depression tablet or 'happy pills' of choice? Fear not, fellow tolerators of the intolerable - this equation is your new pillar for anticipated angst:

# of students worked with + # of hours at the school + # of sessions + length of travel time + # of stairs stepped in the school (without elevator use) X # of second or third grade classes - length of lunch break (in minutes) - average break time between classes (in minutes) - # of pre-K or kindergarten classes / (Number of total days on the tour [72] – Number of days into the tour) = Overall Day’s Mood (lower number = better)

Example 1 – Average day:
200 students + 7 hours + 9 sessions + 35 minute commute + 12 stairs X 4 second or third grade classes - 45 minute lunch – 10 minute breaks – 2 pre-K or kindergarten classes / 72 total - 15 days into tour =

1052 – 33 = 1019 / 57 = 17.88 --> Average day

Example 2 – Rough classes, mid-trip:
220 students + 6.5 hours + 8 sessions + 55 minute commute + 20 stairs X 5 second or third grade classes - 30 minute lunch – 4.5 minute breaks – 1 pre-K or kindergarten classes / 72 total - 28 days on tour =

1517.5 – 24.5 = 1493 / 44 = 33.93 --> Rough day

Example 3 – Good numbers, but far into trip:
150 students + 6.5 hours + 7 sessions + 30 minute commute + 10 stairs X 3 second or third grade classes - 45 minute lunch – 10 minute breaks – 3 pre-K or kindergarten classes / 72 total – 58 days into tour =

610.5 – 32 = 578.5 / 14 = 41.32 --> Good day, late in trip

Protesting Homeless People

That’s right, protesting homeless people. Well, what I mean is that I saw homeless people protesting… make more sense?

Fortunately, for those of you who know me, you all (“y’all for you southern folk) definitely know that I am a giver, a community involver, a pediatric visitor, a lover night a fighter (I know, that last one does not apply here, but it fit with the rhyme). HOWEVER, when I see homeless people standing outside of a building, protesting, a barrage of judgmental jabs and jokes, along with biased opinions raced through my head. So, here is my official note to you distraught drifters of the Big Apple…

Dear Homeless Protesters,

Now I understand that you were protesting to keep a building from being torn down, which is by all means admirable. But in all honesty, I cannot be the only one who thinks that your time could be MUCH better spent – I don’t know, say looking for a job!

How about this, for all of you homeless people (who I give money to and volunteer for) who have Internet access and may have somehow come across this posting, I suggest you use your rallying powers, rack up the wrath and whit you all showed the other day, and use that tenacity to find jobs (suggestion: if you’re going to protest then do it for help from city officials to get yourselves some jobs).

I’ll make you a deal, you do that – protest for a reputable and time worthy cause – and I’ll do my part by calling some media and explain how you all are rallying together to improve your home sweet home (think the movie Hancock… we could be sitting on a goldmine).

Sincerely,

Anonymous